Bacon madness

“This will ruin my taste for bacon forever. You owe me big time.”
This was only one of the comments I got the other day while trying out an item dropped on my desk by an anonymous co-worker (whose last name rhymes with “staygar”).
Thanks to this person I have now alienated half the newsroom and more than a few people down at a local watering hole where I foisted this dubious delicacy on some unsuspecting souls.
This item is Bacon Beans.

Bacon flavored jelly beans.

Made in China.

Here’s a photo of the package:

And here’s what the contents look like:

Unfortunately, the photo cannot convey the odd odor that drifts out when you pry open the tin. It’s sort of a mix of sugar, maple and almost-but-not-quite bacon.

The fact that the beans resemble small, pink kidneys doesn’t help. And reading the ingredients label isn’t recommended. (For the record, it lists “Sugar, Glucose Syrup, Modified Potato Starch, Gelatin, Citric Acid, Malic Acid, Confectioner’s Glaze, Bees Wax, Artificial Bacon Flavor, Red 40″…which ought to be enough to scare anyone off)

Well, I didn’t get into this business because I wanted an easy job. As the late Hunter Thompson said, “Buy the ticket, take the ride.” And I certainly wasn’t going to be deterred by Bees Wax and Red 40, whatever the heck they are.

So, with about the same mindset of a man doing something he suspects he is really going to regret, I picked one of the beans out and chomped down.

A bacon explosion wasn’t the result. Frankly the taste was exactly like a jelly bean with sort of a wanna-be bacon taste. Of course, the gritty, glutinous texture of the candy didn’t help and the couple of beans that I had left an aftertaste that wouldn’t go away. So on the snack food scale of 1 to 10, Bacon Beans clock in at a 1 or maybe even a one-half.

But, when it comes to sampling weird candy, it turns out I was made of sterner stuff. Terry McConn, in a moment of madness, ate one. Probably because of shock, he didn’t immediately voice his reaction, but not long afterward he started to wax eloquent on the experience. The comment at the top of this blog is his, as well as the following:

“Oh, they are vile.”

“They are terrible. Just terrible.”

“It’s been since 2 p.m. and I’m still tasting it.”

Another taste-tester’s only response was to spit the offending bean into the trash and run for the drinking fountain. She then begged the editorial writer for an Altoid, but reported even that couldn’t wipe out the aftertaste.

Responses from two other victims are as follows:

“I think I’m going to go home and eat some real bacon to get the taste out of my mouth.”
“This will clean out the garbage disposal.”

Oddly enough, while the Bacon Beans are a miss, the tin they come in is a hit. At least two people have asked for the container when I’m done with it. The problem is, I’ve got to figure out what to do with the contents first. Maybe clean out the garbage disposal?

So, the verdict is in. If you want a real bacon explosion, go here and see what how the experts handle bacon craving. Otherwise, save your money for tried-and-true junk food. And pray the makers of this concoction don’t decide to bring out the “bacon and cheese” version.

(One last note. I realize my previous post was also porcine-related. This wasn’t intentional. Sometimes there’s just a cosmic timing to these matters. It’s either that or a dark government conspiracy.)


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